I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I love how my cats smell like pot.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
