Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I just want nice things and good sex
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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