so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
