the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
