On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
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