I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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