I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
