Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
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I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
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I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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