This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
