i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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