You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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