Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
