If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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