Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
