so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Randomize
