if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Randomize
