I'm so fucking centered right now
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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