Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
So squirting runs in the family.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
