Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
