TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
