Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
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I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
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He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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