can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
