i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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