I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
