i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
