Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
3 2 1 whiskey
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
