Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Randomize
