did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Randomize
