Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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