very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
