I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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