shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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