I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
