I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
