You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
