I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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