woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Randomize
