I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
You're a waste of cheezeits
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
A bitchslap is in order.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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