it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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