is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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