she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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