i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
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