someone owes me an orgasm
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
