I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
