I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
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