Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
