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Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
