Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Randomize
