Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
