Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
