I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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