made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
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i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
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Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
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