she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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