OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
