I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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