my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Randomize
