Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Randomize
